6:26 PM
I had just made my second to last stop at a branch located on Strip Ave In a busy commercial area of North Canton/ Jackson. We shared a few jokes at the branch and I headed out to my car thinking about my plans for the night. Traffic getting in and out of The Strip is quite major on a Friday night. People are running around taking their families to dinner, picking up groceries for parties, or running any other last second errands they can think of before heading home to unwind from a long week.
I made my way out of the strip and onto portage where I encountered some traffic that was stopped at a red light. I was probably about 8 cars back in the traffic and thought to myself This would be a great time to shoot a few text messages around. I sent a few text messages to Matt, Laura, and maybe Bryan, occasionally looking up to make sure the light hadn't changed and I was looking like one of those idiots who had forgotten how to drive. Trust me I have been that idiot many times.
A few minutes passed and I started to get a little frustrated. You know that feeling you get when the light is red for a few seconds longer than you think it should be, you start questioning your sanity, you reject your undying allegiance to ODOT, wonder if the light is broken, and then when you reach the brink of losing it the light changes and you continue on. I started to get that feeling.
I looked up for what would be the last time and noticed that the light was green and I was not that idiot, the driver in front of me was. So I did what any concerned citizen would do in that situation I gave a polite tap on my horn to let the person know the light was green, while I thought to myself Come on fucker I have shit to do. The driver in the car did nothing. At this point I'm thinking, Great I pulled up behind a disabled vehicle and now everyone behind me is going to wonder what the hell I am doing. I decided my only option was to throw a little more gangster into my beeping and really give it to this person. I did so. They did not budge.
I thought to myself Okay this is not normal. There is something wrong about this. I have to check this out. I pulled my car up next to the individual, put it in park, clicked on my hazard lights and gave a few more honks. Nothing.
Then I saw her. A middle age, slightly overweight, terribly maintained, woman was hunched over in her driver seat. She appeared to be rocking back and forth with her eyes closed and I knew something was definitely wrong. She must be having a seizure. OK I can deal with this. This is nothing. Standard seizure procedure. Get out, ask her if shes okay, call 911, and stay on the line. I can do this. No problem.
I got out of my car, walked over to her car, asked her if she was OK, and began pounding on the hood of her car with my hand. She did not respond. She only rocked back and forth, hunched over, not responding, to me in any way. Surely she was having a seizure or some other legitimate medical issue. I worked my way up the car until I got to her driver side window. As I gave a few more good taps on the car and windows I noticed something. She was not having a seizure. She was huffing keyboard cleaner!
Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck outta here! I thought to myself. Not in a panicked way but more in the way of utter disbelief. Pointlessly, I asked her if she was OK again (with no response) and walked back to my car. I sat in my car in the middle of 6 lanes of traffic just staring at the dashboard for a good 2 minutes.
OK well this didn't go as planned. Just once I wish that somebody was having a seizure. Cant I just get a seizure. What am I supposed to do now? Should I call the cops still? I mean shes just trying to party, albeit a really awesome party, but a party nonetheless. I guess I gotta call the cops still. I picked up my cell phone to make the call I really did not want to make and decided to give one more look at the car next to me to make sure what was happening was real. Her window had been rolled down and she was staring me directly in the eyes. There were cars all around us but at that moment it was just her and I, two strangers alone in the craziest world ever.
No fucking way. No fucking way. Just one god damn seizure is all I want. I rolled down my window. And almost said it. Do you happen to have any Grey Poupon?... I refrained.
“Are you okay? Do you need help?” I asked.
She stared at me for a few more seconds. The light had been green for about a minute at this point but she was not interested in the light, only staring into my soul, making sure I knew that this was real. A few moments later she replied.
“I'm goooooood. I goo. I don't” she said in an obviously not good voice.
Oh well I'm glad you're good because now I'm scarred for life. What are you doing? How did you get here? Am I an alien? Who are these people? She rolled up her window and gave me a friendly wave as she drove away.
Fair winds and following seas. I thought. I put my car in drive and continued about my evening
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